Hey Mister Meeeeeeesage Long Time, Patong is not for Faint of Heart

There are two things that you should know about Patong Beach, Phuket. One it is probably the sleaziest place that I have ever been to and probably in the top ten on Earth. Two if you can look past the smell, constant harassment by hookers, and unbridled tourist fed consumerism it is a lot of fun. When we finally arrived in Patong it was late, Zach wasn't feeling well and the was somebody trying to con us into some hotel that seemed cheap on the surface but with about $60 a night in extra fees. We skipped out of dodge found a nice, relatively quiet, clean and cheap room and set out for some much needed food. As we start the epic two hour long wait for our food Zach gets sick and retreats to the room to Double Barrel all of the food and fluids out of his body. I waited, ate dinner, check on, Zach and set out to meet Elliot and Flora. It was a nice quite night of a few beers and of course fending off hookers. The next night was not quite by any stretch of the imagination with Zach feeling better the four of us set out to see the town. Our first stop was Simon Cabaret. Simon Cabaret combines drag queens, bad dancing, lip syncing, truly outrageous costumes, a drag queen clown with perhaps the largest set of breast a man has ever had, and of course our favorite K Pop songs (K Pop is a music form that is best seen so just You Tube it). It had us all clutching our sides in laughter. Oh I forgot to mention that for some reason they let you bring in outside drinks in... we each finished about 2 and a half liters of deliciously cheap Chang beer. By the end of the show we had the whole upper tier dancing and singing along. Which is impressive because we didn't actually know any of the words but other people sure did. Afterwards we had a photo shoot with the drag queens. A series of miscommunications about who was going to pay whom we ran away to the safety of our van. Our van driver had about as much interest in being set upon by a bunch of angry drag queens as we did and drove away with a speed that only a Thai can achieve while dodging pedestrians. In our defense they told us that the photos were free then changed their minds after they had been taken. After that the night contained us hustling some Assuies in a game of pool, drinking games with some strippers who just got off work, listening to a Thai AC/DC cover band (that maybe the funniest thing in the world) and of course running away from hookers.

A few more notes and sights on Patong: We walked into an harmless looking bar where on a stage there was a lady popping balloons with a blow gun. The blow gun was not in her mouth. Zach and I were walking down the street in the middle of the day and a group of "masseuses" came up and tried to drag us into the shop we literally had to fight them off, judging by their strength I think at least a few where Lady Boys (that's what they call them here). Apparently the world over convenient stores and cheap suit shops are run by Indians and last but not least in three weeks we in Thai land we have only seen 4 police and all in Patong. Since then three more weeks have past and the number is up to 13.

Phuk-it its Phuket

So once again we wade out into the low tide with our bags over our heads get in a long tail boat and putter out to the ferry. The ferry is another lesson in relax, don't worry, your somewhere awesome. Things take forever here in Thailand and so far nothing has been even close to on time or anywhere near the about of time it folks will estimate that it takes. This could be frustrating but why let it be? So we spent 4 hours on a boat when it should have been 2. We got to see the sunset over the ocean surrounded by aw-inspiring limestone karsts while drinking Chang, Thailand "world famous(??)" and quite refreshing beer. We pull into Phuket City habor are herding into minivans that then hurl themselves to the madness that is Thai traffic. On that and many other bus trips to come I have seen some truly hilarious, terrifying, scandalizing, and just plain dangerous vehicular maneuvers. I think that my favorite rush hour stunt so far was when we were cut off by two separate mopeds coming in from two different sides then vie for dominance before coming to a screeching halt at a stop light. The acrobatics themselves were impressive for sure but what makes this instance stand out above the rest is that one moped had a family of four on it and the other had a side/front car attachment and was stacked with a pile or recycling that only Dr. Seuss could have dreamed of.